We decided to go out for bbq tonight.
As it turns out, I’m too immature to discuss how to smoke your meat with strangers.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
You Might Also Like
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
“Guess I’ll turn on the news to see what the government is up to” – The President of the United States
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Oh my god y’all this guy i used to talk to made me a playlist like a year ago called “for syd” and i have had it saved to my spotify library since and i just saw it for the first time in months and it’s called “for bailey”