I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
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If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill