@KateWhineHall

I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.

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@CoopSoSarc

We decided to go out for bbq tonight.

As it turns out, I’m too immature to discuss how to smoke your meat with strangers.

@TheBoydP

Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…

@ShutUpThatsWho

[Subway]

ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*

@KMoFlo_official

My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.

@TylerLinkin

I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.

@andylevy

“Guess I’ll turn on the news to see what the government is up to” – The President of the United States

@BangMyBongo

Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”

Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..

@sumpeoplelikeit

If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.

@discotits69

Oh my god y’all this guy i used to talk to made me a playlist like a year ago called “for syd” and i have had it saved to my spotify library since and i just saw it for the first time in months and it’s called “for bailey”