I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
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cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.