@MasterSociopath

I mistook the Facebook status box for Google search, and now I don’t have to go to family functions any more.

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@themessednest

As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.

@RickAaron

I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.

@RoosterMustache

Hey now,
you’re a rock star,
get your game on,
Go plaaaay

Hey now,
you’re potato,
get your tate on,
Po taaaate

@AristotlesNZ

I don’t know how you women do it. Every time I try to “sleep my way to the top” I get woken up and sent to HR.

@haleysfalling

so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”

@AbbieEvansXO

*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*

[2 seconds later]

Shit I need a paper clip

@thombodytolove

really nice when the youtube home workout guy with 17 abs is like “ur doing great” like thanks buddy but i am throwing up everywhere

@MrAlexisPereira

Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.

@clichedout

Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look