@iTomFoolery

I mixed coffee with Red Bull, now I can see the invisible things my kitten pounces on.

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@Home_Halfway

Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.

@XplodingUnicorn

[end of a job interview]

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?

Him:

Me:

Him: Which half?

@HoldinCoffeeld

There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.

@hellohappy_time

[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food

Wendy’s manager: you are very fired

@Staggfilms

HER: I’m pansexual.

ME: Oh, cool.

*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*

@simoncholland

The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.

@lincnotfound

society: buy a sheet for your mattress

me: ok makes sense

society: then a sheet for that sheet

me:

society: then a blanket for that sheet

me: i think-

society: and a blanket for the blanket

me: you done?

society: oh and 30 pillows

@joejwest

ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload

@kumailn

The director of “A Girl in the River” went to high school with me in Karachi! She won an Oscar! This is not gonna help w my parents. #Oscars