I mixed coffee with Red Bull, now I can see the invisible things my kitten pounces on.

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Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.


[end of a job interview]

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?



Him: Which half?


There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.


[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food

Wendy’s manager: you are very fired


HER: I’m pansexual.

ME: Oh, cool.

*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*


The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.


society: buy a sheet for your mattress

me: ok makes sense

society: then a sheet for that sheet


society: then a blanket for that sheet

me: i think-

society: and a blanket for the blanket

me: you done?

society: oh and 30 pillows


ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload


The director of “A Girl in the River” went to high school with me in Karachi! She won an Oscar! This is not gonna help w my parents. #Oscars