I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.

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billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit


[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge: please spell it again i lost count


Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.


The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.


This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.


Wife left a note on the fridge it says “It’s not working, gone to my mom’s” I opened it and opened a beer, it’s cold, the fridge works fine?


God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’


My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.


Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.

Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.