@LoveNLunchmeat

I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.

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@DanMentos

billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit

@fro_vo

[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count

@neiltyson

Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.

@traciebreaux

The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.

@1fragmentedmind

This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.

@TheBigBatman

Wife left a note on the fridge it says “It’s not working, gone to my mom’s” I opened it and opened a beer, it’s cold, the fridge works fine?

@david8hughes

God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’

@sarcasticmommy4

My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.

@sixfootcandy

Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.

Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.