I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
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I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
the noise i just made
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Oh deer