I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.

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If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”


Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”


Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand


Now is the worst possible time to catch someone’s drift.


In my dreams, my balloons come back down and apologize for leaving me.


Girls can be so ungrateful, I made her breakfast in bed, & instead of saying “Thank You”, she’s all like “How did you get into my house!”


I often find myself rewording a long tweet so many times that it completely loses the original subject. This one started off about a cat.


PATIENT: Since I got this new job my feet are killing me.
DR DOG: What’s your job?
PATIENT: Mailman
DR DOG: *chases him out of room barking*


CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?

CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!

CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!