I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.

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The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost


Wife: “Tony is coming round”

Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”

Tony: “I’m here for the money.”



[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.


I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.


1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…

2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?


Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.


You’re an embarrassment to the human race.
What are you doing later?


No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me


My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor


worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost