I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
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With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?