I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
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I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”