Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
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Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever