I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
You Might Also Like
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
i now pronounce you bounced.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)