I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
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Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.