I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
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I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Happy weekend !