@Parker_Simpson

I must be getting old…my urine flow sounds like a drippy leak in an old abandoned factory

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@TheTweetOfGod

People who criticize the Bible should keep in mind it was My first novel.

@ItsAndyRyan

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY

@Izianikapani

Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.

@_knuck_

*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”

@linanneblack

Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.

@AngelaEhh

My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.

I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.

@Anon_imosity

[walks into bookstore]

Me: do you have any books on turtles?

Worker: Hard back?

Me: Yeah, with little heads.

@robfee

How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes

@hippieswordfish

boy they weren’t kidding about cigarettes being addictive; I can’t stop eating these things!!