I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.

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When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines

Delicious sardines


*hand grenades*
*blow torch*
*AK 47*
*sulfuric acid*
*ninja training*

My Google search history yesterday after I found a spider.


[comes home from store]

Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?

Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?


“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”


Men ask us if we’re naked when we tell them we’re taking a bath. THAT’S why they pay more for their car insurance.


Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.


*lays head on homeless guys lap*

“You would not believe the day I had”


Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*


professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale