I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
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I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Wake me when AI does housework
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Fixed this for Shakespeare
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride