I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
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I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
set yourself free xox