[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
I must be looking extra good today because this dude with a backpack on the side of the road was giving me the big thumbs up. Thanks man!
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Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
To catch a woman, one must think like a woman.
*places glass of wine, and Channing Tatum dvd on mouse trap
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
this is ur brain *an egg* this is drugs *a frying pan* this is ur brain on drugs *egg & frying pan wearing sunglasses*
i wish i had a cute laugh but instead i sound like a dying seal
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog