@ElKnuckelhombre

I must be looking extra good today because this dude with a backpack on the side of the road was giving me the big thumbs up. Thanks man!

You Might Also Like

@Ygrene

[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box

@shawnspree

To catch a woman, one must think like a woman.

*places glass of wine, and Channing Tatum dvd on mouse trap

@ThugRaccoons

Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….

Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?

@Thynebear

[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.

@pissrifle

this is ur brain *an egg* this is drugs *a frying pan* this is ur brain on drugs *egg & frying pan wearing sunglasses*

@c12h22o11balls

[First day as a waiter]

Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?

Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot

@pilau

[at the movies]

me: thank god it’s over

her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog