Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes