Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
I must’ve had a stroke last night, I woke up with a strong desire to watch How I Met Your Mother.
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Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
I’m still waiting for my knight in shining sarcasm.
*Doctor finishes the exam*
“I have bad news. If you box again it will kill you”
“I’m so mad I could pun-”
*Doctor looks over his glasses*
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary