Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
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Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)