I must’ve had a stroke last night, I woke up with a strong desire to watch How I Met Your Mother.

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Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.


Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking

Me: I will one day

Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here


I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”


*Doctor finishes the exam*

“I have bad news. If you box again it will kill you”

“I’m so mad I could pun-”

*Doctor looks over his glasses*


you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*

me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*


The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.


[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship


What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.


I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary