I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
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[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
When the stylist spins you back around
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?