@KelgoreTrout

i named my first son “christian” and i named his twin brother “born-again christian”

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@Sanbel11

It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.

@causticbob

5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.

@NicestHippo

“You’re sure you understand stock trading?”
ME: Yep
“Then why (holds up card) did you trade our Google shares for a Charizard?”

@AndrewNadeau0

DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?

@SirFlushaLot

I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes

@ClichedOut

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic

HER: yes

ME: cool see u tonight

@heatherlou_

My boss said if I tried to take Friday off, I could just take the rest of the year off so that’s kinda neat.