I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
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Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy