I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
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A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Received some very disappointing news today
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.