@NintenDom

I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.

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@DamienFahey

If Leonardo da Vinci posted the Mona Lisa on Instagram today, it would get 30 likes, tops.

@jimmytorosian

Slave: I know a way to escape

Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.

@RunwayDan

I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.

@mrtruthandsoul

[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.

@SteveSuckington

[bleeding out]

ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?

ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality

@UncleDuke1969

Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.

Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?

@Fred_Delicious

“son, did i ever tell you about how I served in Nom?”
“dad, don’t you mean Nam?”
“sorry son i ate a small cake at the end of that sentence”

@Sir_Strange

*goes on job interview*

-You come very highly recommended.
-Why thank you, I always try to be as stoned as possible before I come to work.

@devondaigle9

A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back

@lisaxy424

My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.