If Leonardo da Vinci posted the Mona Lisa on Instagram today, it would get 30 likes, tops.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
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Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
“son, did i ever tell you about how I served in Nom?”
“dad, don’t you mean Nam?”
“sorry son i ate a small cake at the end of that sentence”
*goes on job interview*
-You come very highly recommended.
-Why thank you, I always try to be as stoned as possible before I come to work.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.