I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
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ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.