@Funny_Truth

I need a 6 month vacation, twice a year

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@Rockenden

My yard is full of bear traps cos I’m a bit weird about sharing milkshake.

@KelseyCook

Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can tweet angrily from the toilet for your country.

@DrakeGatsby

TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”

Me: Heck yeah

TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️

Me: Wait a second

@david8hughes

[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.

@Cpin42

My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.

@girl_a_whirl

Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind

Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?

Whitesnake: Not you

@ham_why

Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.

@fro_vo

Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye

@primawesome

I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.