I need a bad ass dress for Friday night. Anybody know where I can find a Forever 41?

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I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.


Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.


There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.


[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]

“May I have this dance?”

[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]


My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.


8: What’s a VCR?
Me: It played video tapes.
8: Video Tapes?
M: Like cassettes.
8: Cassettes?
M: Like an older CD.
8: CD?
M: *pours bourbon


Me: How dilated is she?

Nurse: 4 centimeters.

Me: This is America.

Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.


Well well well if it isn’t the kangaroo whose pouch I’m in.


me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me

her: you’re just being dramatic

me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably


To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.