@nonchalantnacho

I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.

No time for questions.

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@MommaUnfiltered

I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.

@LOsepyan

I had a one night stand yesterday..but then today I decided to return it to ikea

@dumbbeezie

My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots

@ANNIEwayyyy

“Sorry, I forgot to pay attention. But yeah, I have no idea where we are now. There definitely shouldn’t be cows.”

~me giving directions

@GrantTanaka

that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”

@murrman5

we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds

@patnspankme

Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.

@StellaGMaddox

According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.

@TheAlexNevil

Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.