I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
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Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.