I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
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[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Them: I don’t like you.
Me: