Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
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him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.