@itsrealTED

“I need a boyfriend” No, you WANT a boyfriend. You NEED water, cause you sound thirsty.

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@suntzufuntzu

[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced

@PopSlapFunk

Arrhythmia, blocked arteries, leaky valves, “Hey, I found you on Twitter” and other things that will suddenly stop your heart.

@simoncholland

My kid can tell me all about a 24 minute episode of Paw Patrol in 56 minutes.

@Mr_Kapowski

[firetruck honks its obnoxiously loud horn]

[goose in the distance hears it] “Oh shit guys, that sounds like my wife. Gotta fly”

@YSylon

Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*

Old man standing next to me: Ouch!

@CelebrityChez

Just saw a fly on my flight and all I could think was what a lazy piece of shit.

@_breannuh

This fitness girl I follow on insta TREATED herself today with regular eggs instead of egg whites… eggs bro.. I will never be fit

@TheHyyyype

[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]

her: *glares*

me: you’re late

@FredTaming

toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do