“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
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Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter: