I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
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He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
me refusing to leave twitter
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”