I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
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“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today