I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
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I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Lmaoo 😂
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
God making man in his image was the original selfie
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account