@dreamthievin

I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie

You Might Also Like

@SteveKoehler22

Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.

Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.

@70Ceeks

I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans

@vonTraphaus

[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity

@DaddyJew

How many points do I get if I hit a Pokemon player with my car?

@daemonic3

*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*

FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92

@LMHPhotog

YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS

YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS

YOU ARE EXPECTED TO SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF

DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.

@girlontapas

*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*

Repeat