I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
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[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Still laughing at this stupid meme
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream