Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
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If you think my laughter is infectious, you should try having unprotected sex with me.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
A free corpse is a dead giveaway.
Cops: You were driving while intoxicated
Me: I was in no condition to walk
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*