I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
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She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants