Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
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Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*