Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
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“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts