[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
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what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.