I need a keyboard shortcut for “sorry it’s taken me so long to reply to your email…”

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*wakes up from surgery

How did it go?

Surgeon: Good, your nose only lit up twice


my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice


Ever wonder how the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow?


Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie

Genie: *snaps fingers*

Me: …what changed?

Genie: your mom was shot in the woods


Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week


The first rule of father club is “don’t tell your mother”


The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.


DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say


“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”

*pokes body with stick*