@markhoppus
@ThaJawn
*wakes up from surgery
How did it go?
Surgeon: Good, your nose only lit up twice
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@ThaJawn
@CameronxDonovan
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
@LOsepyan
Ever wonder how the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow?
@psybermonkey
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
@whatmaddness
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
@DaddyJew
The first rule of father club is “don’t tell your mother”
@awkwardposts
NASA has no chill
@shanethevein
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
@bobvulfov
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
@UncleDuke1969
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*