@markhoppus

I need a keyboard shortcut for “sorry it’s taken me so long to reply to your email…”

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@ThaJawn

*wakes up from surgery

How did it go?

Surgeon: Good, your nose only lit up twice

@CameronxDonovan

my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice

@LOsepyan

Ever wonder how the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow?

@psybermonkey

Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie

Genie: *snaps fingers*

Me: …what changed?

Genie: your mom was shot in the woods

@whatmaddness

Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week

@DaddyJew

The first rule of father club is “don’t tell your mother”

@shanethevein

The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.

@bobvulfov

[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say

@UncleDuke1969

“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”

*pokes body with stick*