@YourMomsucksTho

I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am

I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am

- @YourMomsucksTho

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WIFE: The police are at the front door

ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?

@DaddyJew

That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.

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Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.

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@krishna_van

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@ShortSleeveSuit

[first day on the job at a mattress store]

Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.

Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.