I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
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After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Never forget.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Green is just blue that someone peed in
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell