@YourMomsucksTho

I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am

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@terrycjt

Why didn’t Spider-Man’s enemies just move to a city without skyscrapers?

@jjhartinger

Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.

@eddiesnextwife

Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day

My patient: [bleeding out] when

@Jerrypleasure

[At Wedding Ceremony]

Me: [Distributing my visiting cards] I’m a divorce lawyer

@Sickayduh

[Phone rings]
Babysitter: Hello?
Dude: Dont. Go. Upstairs.
Babysitter: Wha.. What’s upstairs?
Dude: NOT MUCH, STAIRS, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU

@El_Emeno

I’ve been tweeting for 10 hours straight…and 3 hours gay.

@T_N_Crumpets

Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat

@jewfacekilla

In marijuana’s defense, I’m lazy as shit completely sober too.