I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
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had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Going into Monday like
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.