@daisysunshine90

I need a man, not a boy. They will have much more structurally sound ideas for me to bypass the lava floor and make it to the blanket fort.

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@TheToddWilliams

[farm]

SON: *crying*

ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them

SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!

ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him

WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog

@NicCageMatch

Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”

@AmandaRNH

If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.

@Manda_like_wine

Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.

@DannyZuker

Daughter is acting so rude I’m not sure she’s even mine. Think my wife may have cheated on me with YouTube’s comments section.

@KylePlantEmoji

If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs

@FeelsLike2sday

Looking for a nice, wholesome girl I can bring home to mom. She only dates nice, wholesome girls

@withanewname

Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!

-Librarians arguing

@ArfMeasures

ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*

Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong