I need a man, not a boy. They will have much more structurally sound ideas for me to bypass the lava floor and make it to the blanket fort.

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Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.

Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —

Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!


Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.


The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.


6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”


BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.


Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.


Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.


my criminal record is only clean because of how fast i can run with my pants around my ankles.


watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence

at least we don’t have to save for college


When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.