@koalaslament

I need a new job. One where I’m always running out the door with my arms flailing and holding a jar screaming “I GOTTA GET THIS TO THE LAB!”

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@djdarrellripley

Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?

Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?

@crouton_futon

“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”

@Mr_Kapowski

*hears a loud noise outside of bedroom door at night*

*wife reaches over* “Honey- WHERE ARE YOU?”

*already locked myself in the bathroom*

@thequeensheart

I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.

@Norsebysw

By their early thirties, the average person has unsubscribed from more email lists than they have days left to live.

@ilovepie84

Ever get out of the shower and not remember getting a towel ready but its there anyway?

You’re welcome.

@silkymilky14

Used to think I was sophisticated and mature, then I realized half an Ed Sheeran song ruins my day.

@geowizzacist

Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force

@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”

Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”