I need a new job. One where I’m always running out the door with my arms flailing and holding a jar screaming “I GOTTA GET THIS TO THE LAB!”

You Might Also Like


That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??


[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.


Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.


If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.

– the lady in front of me


I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself


BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job


If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.


Every time I pick up my phone after dropping it, I feel like one of those worried girls in movies who just took a pregnancy test.


Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme


Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*