@koalaslament

I need a new job. One where I’m always running out the door with my arms flailing and holding a jar screaming “I GOTTA GET THIS TO THE LAB!”

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@SimplySnaccbar

[First day as a teacher]

Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.

[Later]

Student: May I use the restroom?

Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit

@figgled

Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming

@Book_Krazy

Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?

Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.

Hub: because they were stuck together?

Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!

@Book_Krazy

9: What did that message on the TV say

Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen

9: How do they know what size TV we have?

@amandalsabrook

College is cool because you get to pick what time your classes are and then still not go

@Rollmaninoz

*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?

@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: one mcflurry please

Cashier: the machine is down

Me: awe then one for the machine too

@okimstillhungry

*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO

@Darlainky

Loan officer: What’s your social?

Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.

@Jack_Wagon1

If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.