I need a new job. One where I’m always running out the door with my arms flailing and holding a jar screaming “I GOTTA GET THIS TO THE LAB!”

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Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?

Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?


“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”


*hears a loud noise outside of bedroom door at night*

*wife reaches over* “Honey- WHERE ARE YOU?”

*already locked myself in the bathroom*


I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.


By their early thirties, the average person has unsubscribed from more email lists than they have days left to live.


Ever get out of the shower and not remember getting a towel ready but its there anyway?

You’re welcome.


Used to think I was sophisticated and mature, then I realized half an Ed Sheeran song ruins my day.


Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force


Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”

Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”