if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I need a new job. One where I’m always running out the door with my arms flailing and holding a jar screaming “I GOTTA GET THIS TO THE LAB!”
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Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Sea cucumbers are actually animals, so regular cucumbers are either lying or they need to step their game up.
“Say hello to my knitted friend!”
Any question is a hard hitting question when it’s written on a brick and thrown full force at your face.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up