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Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.