I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
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Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
just having fun
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
he’s doing your taxes
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.