I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.

Gynecologist: …

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PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.


I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”


him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?


Our house has two bathrooms, but there’s a spider in one, so our house has one bathroom.


Doctor: You have 6 months to live

Me: omg what can I do?

Doctor: Oh lots of things

Me: Phew

Doctor: but only for 6 months


if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back


I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.


Cashier: you’re 8 cents short

Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide

Cashier: no

Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now