I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
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I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
twitter is a journey
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
I love you…
…r dog.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE