PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
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I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Our house has two bathrooms, but there’s a spider in one, so our house has one bathroom.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Doctor: but only for 6 months
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from