I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.

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Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit


Anything can be used as a dartboard. Like your coworker Jim who always says “another day in paradise”.


coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad


*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
? Fly
? Breathe fire
? Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business


I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.


ME: Table for 7 please

WAITER: Hahahahahahaha

ME: 7-p-m. Just me

WAITER: Okay that makes more sense


Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.


Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.


Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.


While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.