@Mostly_Cheese

I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.

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@ChicksRule

Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit

@delusions_of

Anything can be used as a dartboard. Like your coworker Jim who always says “another day in paradise”.

@iwearaonesie

coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad

@SamTR7

*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
? Fly
? Breathe fire
? Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business

@Darlainky

I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.

@chuuew

ME: Table for 7 please

WAITER: Hahahahahahaha

ME: 7-p-m. Just me

WAITER: Okay that makes more sense

@MariyaAlexander

Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.

@UncleDuke1969

Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.

@MelvinofYork

Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.

@samalmightysam

While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.