I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
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*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌