I need a punctuation mark that is halfway between a period and an exclamation point so I can answer texts without sounding bored or insane.

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I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.


[drive thru window]

toddler: can I say hi?

me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*

toddler: two milkshakes please


gf: house hunting is so boring

me: [unloading crossbow into wall] yeah there’s not much of a challenge to it


My girlfriend’s ex won’t leave her alone.
I’d drive there and do something about it if my wife would just give me the keys.


If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.


Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.


ME: [gets into a car accident]

EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives