I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
I need a punctuation mark that is halfway between a period and an exclamation point so I can answer texts without sounding bored or insane.
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[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
gf: house hunting is so boring
me: [unloading crossbow into wall] yeah there’s not much of a challenge to it
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
My girlfriend’s ex won’t leave her alone.
I’d drive there and do something about it if my wife would just give me the keys.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives