@hipstermermaid

I need a punctuation mark that is halfway between a period and an exclamation point so I can answer texts without sounding bored or insane.

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@ericonederful

I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.

@aotakeo

[drive thru window]

toddler: can I say hi?

me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*

toddler: two milkshakes please

@PoshTick

gf: house hunting is so boring

me: [unloading crossbow into wall] yeah there’s not much of a challenge to it

@phalguy

My girlfriend’s ex won’t leave her alone.
I’d drive there and do something about it if my wife would just give me the keys.

@Hormonella

If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.

@Kolology

Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.

@chuuew

ME: [gets into a car accident]

EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives