@hipstermermaid

I need a punctuation mark that is halfway between a period and an exclamation point so I can answer texts without sounding bored or insane.

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@shkeeber

Recreational drugs?

No thanks, I went pro years ago.

@lmegordon

I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.

@dshack8

Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*

@pleatedjeans

[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]

@SlabBaconBP

How to make your girl feel special:
1) Write down how you feel about your drink or drug of choice.
2) Put her name on it & give it to her.

@DanMentos

“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”

@IamJackBoot

Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.

@LizHackett

I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”

@Kyle_Lippert

Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!