An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
You Might Also Like
this is what they would have looked like, though
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.