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Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
men, we mow at sunrise.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*