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*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
11: (squeezes my face) It’s just like squeezing SpongeBob
Me: Why?
11: (laughs)Because your face is full of holes
𝙋𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨, 𝙨𝙝𝙚’𝙨 𝙩𝙖𝙡𝙠𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙢𝙮 𝙥𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨
𝙃𝙚𝙧 𝙧𝙤𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙨 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙙𝙞𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙡𝙞𝙘𝙖𝙡
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.