“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
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Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*