I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
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I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
School be like
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone