I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
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falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *